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I got my U2 tickets!! FRONT ROW!! (upper deck) lol
Booya! :-D
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FunnelCloud
Still evolving. Still growing. Still spinning.
17 August 2008 @ 01:14 pm
29 June 2008 @ 01:08 pm
That's right, little Derek is 300 months old!!
Here's a little video. Mostly pics of pics, hastily thrown together. And the music is hard to hear. I thought I had more pics of myself, and I'm sure somewhere I do, but, anyways, I wasnt able to put all the pics and people in the video that I'd like. And for that, my applogies.
And now for the much anticipated-insightful reflection of my first quarter century! Or not.
For the last two months I've been thinking about what to say here. And, all that really comes to mind is the people I've lost. The chances I didn't take. Where I am today. How did I get here. Where am I headed, and is that where I want to go.
"All the things I did in my life that I thought were worthwhile, I caught hell for."
-Earl Warren, Chief Justice-United States Supreme Court.
Here's a little video. Mostly pics of pics, hastily thrown together. And the music is hard to hear. I thought I had more pics of myself, and I'm sure somewhere I do, but, anyways, I wasnt able to put all the pics and people in the video that I'd like. And for that, my applogies.
And now for the much anticipated-insightful reflection of my first quarter century! Or not.
For the last two months I've been thinking about what to say here. And, all that really comes to mind is the people I've lost. The chances I didn't take. Where I am today. How did I get here. Where am I headed, and is that where I want to go.
"All the things I did in my life that I thought were worthwhile, I caught hell for."
-Earl Warren, Chief Justice-United States Supreme Court.
18 March 2008 @ 04:18 pm
The other prostitution scandal
Politicians take people's money with a promise to fulfill desires that supposedly can't be attained any other way. Prostitutes do the same, though by reputation, they are more reliable in delivering. It's not surprising for people in the same line of work to gravitate toward one another, as Eliot Spitzer and a woman named Kristen reportedly did in a Washington hotel room.I understand why Spitzer's alleged hiring of a call girl was stupid, selfish, reckless, immoral and a betrayal of his family. What I don't understand is why it was illegal.
It's not as though sex is otherwise divorced from money. If it were, hot young women would be found on the arms of poor older men as often as they are seen with rich ones. Had the New York governor wanted to buy a $4,300 bauble to seduce someone of Kristen's age and pulchritude, only his wife and his financial adviser would have objected.
It was Spitzer's effort to hide this pastime that attracted law enforcement attention. Prosecutors investigated him not because he had lipstick on his collar, but because he took steps to conceal his patronage of Emperors Club VIP. By transferring cash to accounts controlled by fake companies, he roused suspicions of political corruption. By now, he probably wishes he had only taken a gratuity to grease a contract.
It's hard to feel excessive sympathy when a colossal hypocrite is exposed. Recently, Spitzer signed a measure increasing penalties for men caught paying for sex, who can now go to jail for as long as a year. But schadenfreude is a weak justification for laws that intrude into the bedroom.
As with laws against illicit drugs and unsanctioned gambling, this policy tries to suppress powerful human appetites and consistently fails. What one New Orleans mayor said applies to a segment of every human society: "You can make prostitution illegal in Louisiana, but you can't make it unpopular."
Alternative newspapers, telephone directories and online sites are replete with ads for massage parlors, escort services and women "eager to meet you!" -- proof that when individuals yearn to find each other for mutually gratifying transactions, they are bound to find a way.
Even the prospect of arrest and public humiliation doesn't deter a lot of people on either side of the business. What should be obvious is that they are willing to spend far more effort achieving these encounters than the rest of us are to spend preventing them.
Outlawing this commerce serves mainly to make things worse, not better. It assures income to criminal organizations with long experience evading the law. It makes prostitutes vulnerable to abuse. It prevents measures to protect the health of providers and patrons.
It exempts an industry from the taxes and fees that legitimate businesses have to pay. It squanders police resources that could be used to fight real crime, while clogging jails and courts with offenders who will soon be back plying their trade.
Supporters of the status quo say the sex industry is filled with victims of human trafficking -- foreigners forced to work in servitude. Whether such modern-day slaves amount to more than a tiny fraction of hookers, however, has never been proved.
Similar claims have been made about migrant farm laborers and domestic workers -- which is not taken as grounds to ban fruit picking or home cleaning.
Someone whose job is illegal, in fact, is an ideal candidate for such exploitation, since she is unlikely to go to the cops.
But all this is secondary to the priority of human freedom. We no longer believe the government has a right to prevent homosexuals or heterosexuals from engaging in sexual practices. In 2003, the Supreme Court had the wisdom to strike down a Texas sodomy prosecution against two homosexuals caught in the act.
"The petitioners are entitled to respect for their private lives," asserted the court. "The state cannot demean their existence or control their destiny by making their private sexual conduct a crime. Their right to liberty under the Due Process Clause gives them the full right to engage in their conduct without intervention of the government."
Some brilliant lawyer ought to ask the courts why the state may ban one type of sex between consenting adults but not another. Maybe Eliot Spitzer would like to take it on.
26 February 2008 @ 05:55 pm
There are so many aspects to online dating; I didn’t want to swamp you with too much information at once, so I am breaking it down into two sections. One covering your pictures, profile, and messages, and the other (tomorrow) about Ims, phone calls, and first meetings. Most of these will be common knowledge for you seasoned daters. Any questions can be sent to me and I will attempt to address them privately or in future journals. * nod *
3. Messages: Your profile is filled out, you’ve answered a few questions, your pictures are hot, now you just need to send out some messages and see if anyone will take the bait. There are two strategies that can net you that significant other I will detail here.
a. You haven’t read their profile. Reading a profile is a waste of valuable harassment time! Either you can type up a quick form letter: Make one in a text document, copy and paste a hundred or so times, and kick back and wait for the responses to roll in. OR, you can: Comment on their pictures and /or screen name. -U R HOTT- is the standard, but there are many variations of this. When you don’t get any responses, post an angry journal to let everyone know its rude not to say you aren’t interested.
b. You have read their profile. At this point you need to decide whether you are more likely to win this person over with compliments or put-downs. Mocking their musical taste, agreeing with every other word, doing whatever they said annoys them with a winky face after it, or asking an easily googlable or common knowledge question is a good start. Don’t bother proofreading your messages, not only is spell-check a waste of a good three seconds, it will show that you care too much and you don’t want to seem over eager. *Nod*
So now you have spotted the object(s) of your desire. You have read their profile (or decidedly not), masturbated to their pictures, and sent them a message... You are ready to IM.
Meeting. The Primacy Effect indicates that a negative first impression is more resistant to change than a positive one. Because of this, the first meeting is very important if you desire any future contact.
a. Greeting. You want to avoid the awkward should-i-shake-his-hand-or-hug-him shuffle. This will only prove that you lack confidence in yourself. Jam your tongue as far down his throat as possible immediately.
b. Activity. You dont want to sit at a table and stare at each other. Do something fun on your first date. Bowling, miniature golf, skeeball*cough*, or other playful activities are a great idea. Let them know you are competitive by yelling -IN YOUR FACE- every time you score/do well. You dont want them to feel like youre a bad sport, though, so keep your victory dances/shimmies to a two-minute maximum. If you start to lose, blame it on the equipment or them and refuse to play. You dont want to look incompetent.
c. Dining. When you go out to eat, there are a few things to keep in mind.
1. Staff are there to serve you. You want your date to know that you know your own value and will not settle for less than the best. Its important to let the staff know, aggressively, when they havent gotten something right. Remind them as often as possible that their tip is on the line. This will make you look powerful.
2. Manners are for holidays. Your job is to make your date feel comfortable and at home. Kicking your feet up on an empty chair, chewing with your mouth open, and wiping your hands on the tablecloth or your pants will make them less intimidated. You dont want to keep them waiting, so if they ask you a question or you have something to say, dont wait until that tedious chore of chewing is done. No mouthful of pasta is going to keep you from speaking your mind.
3. Itemize the bill at the end and make sure that you pay only for things that you ate. Deducting $.35 from the cost of your sweet potato fries and adding it to their bill because you forced a bite on them will let them know you are nothing if not fair.
d. Goodnight.
1. The goodnight kiss-or-no-kiss can be the most stressful part of your evening. Pressuring them on the way to drop them off/be dropped off is a good way to ensure you get a liplock before the night is through. Try saying -yeah. i went on a date with this one girl. even bought her dinner! and she didnt kiss me or anything. What an ice queen.- or -Haha. There was this guy back in college. I went on a date with him and I guess he thought we didnt click. He wouldnt kiss me at the end of the night. Anyway...and you are gonna love this...the next day I went to his work and slashed his tires. *giggle* It was so funny. That jerk got what *he* deserved-
2. You want them to know you want to see them again without seeming too needy. But how? First of all, sound casual. -I had fun. We should do it again sometime.- (this is the important part) If they say anything less than -please marry me tomorrow-, you need to show them that you need stability and certainty in your life. Cry until they give you a time and date. Nothing says -I really like you- like sobbing the words -You...dont...want...me- between gulps of air and through the river of snot running down your face.
In addition to these, the rules I gave rorire in the last journals comments still stand. Meeting in a secluded, empty place will ensure privacy and dont tell anyone about it (you dont want family or friends getting their hopes up so keep your date a secret until after youre sure they arent some kind of crazy!).
Good luck! And happy late Valentines Day!
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?u=cricket
1. Pictures: One of the first things that will grab a users attention are the photos attached to your profile. Because of this, you want to present yourself through them in the best possible way. There are a many ways to go about this; I will cover a few here.
a. You want to have a variety of poses. The best combination is to have one of you laying on your bed (how sexy), one out having fun (maybe a silly face?), one with friends/family (to show you do interact with other humans), one of you in the bathroom mirror just before going out (do no cameras have timers anymore?) and one where you look dark and moody (we cant always be happy). Never look at the camera. Even when it is obvious you are taking the picture yourself.
b. If you cant do that, I suggest grainy web cam shots. Try to make it look as though your web cam caught you unaware, making interested faces at the screen in front of you.
c. Five pictures of you in the same clothes with the same background making similar facial expressions is a good way to convey consistency.
d. You in your underwear/half-naked/naked/standing seductively is going to show them that you are not afraid of your sexuality.
2. Profile: These differ for men and women, so I will break them down separately.
a. Men
i. The women who read your profile are looking for a man, not a pansy, so you want to include all of the most masculine things about you. Hunting/fishing/driving a four-wheel drive/ owning a Harley is a good start. Emphasize the fact that while these are nice, you need a good woman (little lady, for extra condescension) to complete the package.
ii. You drink. You drink a lot. You should mention this *at the very least * five times in your profile. Same with sex. You want that alllll over. So she will not be shocked when you finally meet and all you want to do is chug PBR and grope her unabashedly.
iii. Women still want a sensitive man. So try to make at least one part of your profile about an ex you were in love with / your poetry / how you cry at sad movies and love chick flicks.
b. Women:
i. You are not here just for sex. And they need to know that. Put it in bold at least three places in your profile (this tip works best in conjunction with tip 1b).
ii. You want to type AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE without actually saying anything about yourself. Detail the kind of men you don’t like, things that bother you, what you want from a relationship, how your last relationship went…but under no circumstances should you include any information that might offer them a clue to your personality. They will have to ask to find out *that * stuff. You will know they are willing to work hard for your attention.
iii. While you aren’t here just for sex, you want them to know you aren’t opposed to the idea, so throw something in about how good you are at oral.
c. Both Sexes:
i. You like having fun, hanging out, you have a great sense of humour, and you couldn’t live without your cell phone. They should message you if they want and the first thing people notice about you is your eyes.
ii. To best indicate your amazing sense of humour, throw LOL LMAO in at every opportunity (or really, every sentence) no matter how funny or unfunny it was. I like sushi LOL. I just like the tests LOL.
3. Messages: Your profile is filled out, you’ve answered a few questions, your pictures are hot, now you just need to send out some messages and see if anyone will take the bait. There are two strategies that can net you that significant other I will detail here.
a. You haven’t read their profile. Reading a profile is a waste of valuable harassment time! Either you can type up a quick form letter: Make one in a text document, copy and paste a hundred or so times, and kick back and wait for the responses to roll in. OR, you can: Comment on their pictures and /or screen name. -U R HOTT- is the standard, but there are many variations of this. When you don’t get any responses, post an angry journal to let everyone know its rude not to say you aren’t interested.
b. You have read their profile. At this point you need to decide whether you are more likely to win this person over with compliments or put-downs. Mocking their musical taste, agreeing with every other word, doing whatever they said annoys them with a winky face after it, or asking an easily googlable or common knowledge question is a good start. Don’t bother proofreading your messages, not only is spell-check a waste of a good three seconds, it will show that you care too much and you don’t want to seem over eager. *Nod*
So now you have spotted the object(s) of your desire. You have read their profile (or decidedly not), masturbated to their pictures, and sent them a message... You are ready to IM.
IMing. In a message, you have the opportunity to edit yourself and appear clever, funny, just flirtatious enough, etc. without awkward pauses or your many obnoxious dialogue habits. Now comes the true test. Here are some tips to make sure you make the most of this first impression.
a. Small talk is always a win. Couple small talk with little or no input from you to keep them wanting more:
Example:
you: Hey
them: hi
you: how are you?
them: good.
you: what are you up to?
them: nothing.
you: cool
See how this conversation has taken on a natural flow? It is so nice when you feel like you are really clicking.
b. Compliments will help take you to the next level of the conversation.
Example:
you: I really like that second picture of you.
them: thanks.
you: you look kinda like my ex-girlfriend.
them: uh...neat.
you: she liked oral sex a lot.
them: ....
you: do you?
You see how the casual transition was made between the compliment and the flirtation? That is a specialty maneuver that will take you far. It had the added bonus of including the fact that at some point in the past, someone found you attractive...ish.
c. Cyber sex. It always feels like a dont. And they will often make a point of claiming they dont enjoy it. Some people are shy. Or like to feel like they are doing something naughty. Try to work it in seamlessly.
Example:
them: God, I am so glad you havent started trying to cyber me. LOL
you: Yeah. that stuffs for creeps. Who does that anyway?
them: no kidding.
you: Besides, I figure I will wait until we meet to wrap my arm around your waist and pull you against my throbbing cock.
them: LOL
you: And then I will run my fingers up your thighs, just teasing you before I push inside your pussy
them: uhhh
I am totally going to steal my own advice here.
Also, while IMing, it is important that once you learn anything at all about them, you utilize that magical tool, Google. Impress them with your knowledge of their address/phone number/ full name/ past court appearances/ birth date/ and essay they wrote in the seventh grade on the future of leadership. Go on to say -its like we have known each other our whole lives-
Phone calls. You have passed the IM test and secured a phone number. Now you are ready for the ultimate pre-meeting test, the phone call. The most important thing is not to be nervous. Just relax. Pretend you talk to him/her all the time.
a. Just laugh. a lot. Men and women alike really enjoy a good sense of humour. Whether its a shrill giggle or a hearty guffaw, they are going to feel really good about themselves and you if all you do is laugh. (extra points for snorting)
b. Blurting. The conversation is slow...you arent sure where to go from here....and your mind is going a million different places. Just use your mouth and propel whatever is going through your head right out of it. -I had a dog when I was a kid. I didnt even like him. He looked like a rat- might not seem to fit into your conversation about modern education, but it will show your companion that you can discuss many different things.
c. Awkward Silence. Nothing says -Im really comfortable with you- like just sitting there...not saying anything....at. all. Nervous chuckling every minute or so will let him/her know that you are still there and enjoying yourself.
While you are still on the phone, try to arrange a meeting.
Meeting. The Primacy Effect indicates that a negative first impression is more resistant to change than a positive one. Because of this, the first meeting is very important if you desire any future contact.
a. Greeting. You want to avoid the awkward should-i-shake-his-hand-or-hug-him shuffle. This will only prove that you lack confidence in yourself. Jam your tongue as far down his throat as possible immediately.
b. Activity. You dont want to sit at a table and stare at each other. Do something fun on your first date. Bowling, miniature golf, skeeball*cough*, or other playful activities are a great idea. Let them know you are competitive by yelling -IN YOUR FACE- every time you score/do well. You dont want them to feel like youre a bad sport, though, so keep your victory dances/shimmies to a two-minute maximum. If you start to lose, blame it on the equipment or them and refuse to play. You dont want to look incompetent.
c. Dining. When you go out to eat, there are a few things to keep in mind.
1. Staff are there to serve you. You want your date to know that you know your own value and will not settle for less than the best. Its important to let the staff know, aggressively, when they havent gotten something right. Remind them as often as possible that their tip is on the line. This will make you look powerful.
2. Manners are for holidays. Your job is to make your date feel comfortable and at home. Kicking your feet up on an empty chair, chewing with your mouth open, and wiping your hands on the tablecloth or your pants will make them less intimidated. You dont want to keep them waiting, so if they ask you a question or you have something to say, dont wait until that tedious chore of chewing is done. No mouthful of pasta is going to keep you from speaking your mind.
3. Itemize the bill at the end and make sure that you pay only for things that you ate. Deducting $.35 from the cost of your sweet potato fries and adding it to their bill because you forced a bite on them will let them know you are nothing if not fair.
d. Goodnight.
1. The goodnight kiss-or-no-kiss can be the most stressful part of your evening. Pressuring them on the way to drop them off/be dropped off is a good way to ensure you get a liplock before the night is through. Try saying -yeah. i went on a date with this one girl. even bought her dinner! and she didnt kiss me or anything. What an ice queen.- or -Haha. There was this guy back in college. I went on a date with him and I guess he thought we didnt click. He wouldnt kiss me at the end of the night. Anyway...and you are gonna love this...the next day I went to his work and slashed his tires. *giggle* It was so funny. That jerk got what *he* deserved-
2. You want them to know you want to see them again without seeming too needy. But how? First of all, sound casual. -I had fun. We should do it again sometime.- (this is the important part) If they say anything less than -please marry me tomorrow-, you need to show them that you need stability and certainty in your life. Cry until they give you a time and date. Nothing says -I really like you- like sobbing the words -You...dont...want...me- between gulps of air and through the river of snot running down your face.
In addition to these, the rules I gave rorire in the last journals comments still stand. Meeting in a secluded, empty place will ensure privacy and dont tell anyone about it (you dont want family or friends getting their hopes up so keep your date a secret until after youre sure they arent some kind of crazy!).
Good luck! And happy late Valentines Day!
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?u=cricket
26 February 2008 @ 05:54 pm
Because my parenting self-help book Low Self-Esteem Breeds Over Achievers never made it onto the shelves (the publishing industry can be SO resistant to new ideas), I am going to deposit my excellent parenting advice here in hopes that I can help someone to be a better, happier parent.
1. Children love reward/punishment systems. Ive implemented what I like to call Favorite Child of the Month. To be the Favorite Child (which comes with many perks such as three meals a day and adequate sleep), they compete in several areas and work together (though sibling rivalry is important, cooperation is crucial to their development) to decide on a Scapegoat of the month who we blame for all our misfortune and shortcomings.
2. People are always talking about how important stability is. Stability, schmability, thats what I say. When do you work harder? When you are walking across the smooth sidewalk or when youre walking across a dock with holes in it that moves everytime water shifts beneath it? Personally, I want kids who are willing to work for what they get in life. Throw obstacles in their way every chance you get.
If you dont do your homework, you arent eating dinner. Now. If you want to do your homework, youll need a pencil. Your pencil is hidden somewhere in that pile of feces and syringes. You have thirteen seconds. GO!
3. Knowing that you cant *really * depend on anyone is important. It teaches you to be independent and stand on your own two feet. Because of this, I like to do things like go out to check the mail and wait an hour or so before coming back.
Im not cruel or anything and I dont want them to hurt themselves, so usually I will stand outside and listen to them coming to the realization that maybe they will have to make themselves dinner.
4. Teach your child that they will need to nurture others. If you are an alcoholic or severely depressed, this is easy to do. Because Im not, I just have to fake it. I lay in bed and slur my words. Have fun with it. Your child is learning more about how to take care of someone with each exercise.
Booooooooy! Comehelpmommyouttabed. Igottapisslikeafuckinracehorse.
5. You want them to feel good about what they do well. In addition, you want them to be ashamed of doing poorly. You can kill two birds with one stone by praising one while shaming the other(s).
Oh, Johnny. You are so obedient and good at ironing mommys clothes. Not like your sister, Sally. *glare* She always makes creases.
Sally, no one makes a gin & tonic like you do. *sneer* That no good Johnny always skimps on the booze.
6. You want your kids to be ready for anything. Life can be really unpredictable! Faking a heart attack while eating dinner will jolt them into action. They will learn to think fast and not panic when tragedy strikes. Sometimes, I even run through the house at two in the morning screaming FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!
7. With all of these startling and sometimes negative lessons, you want to give your child *some* happiness. For this, I turn to that timeless favorite, lying. Yes, Santa is real, your grandma is going to give you a unicorn for your birthday, your goldfish will never die, donuts grow on huuuge donut trees in California, and mommy can do magic with her mind!
8. In this day and age, gender is not important. In fact, gender holds people *back* from what they want. Encouraging stereotypical male behavior in your little girls and female behavior in your little boys will ensure that they dont cling to the typical gender roles that would otherwise block their path.
Some kids can be resistant to this. Make sure you let your boys know that only fags dont play with Barbies. Your girls should be aware of things like the fact that real women know how to punch and spit.
9. Kids these days have no respect for authority. This is a problem for EVERYONE. Your kids teachers, other parents, adults at the grocery store, family members...they are all rolling their eyes at your little brats. You want them to know that they shouldnt question the orders of an authority figure. You can achieve this by giving them instructions with no point and punishing disobedience the same way you would if they had slapped you in the mouth.
Everytime Mommy says -marshmallow-, you quack like ducks and hop on one foot.
Today is opposite day. All you can say is -opposite-.
Go comb your eyebrows.
10. Many of these tips rely on the idea that your child has siblings. If this is not the case, substitute with the pet or television character of your choice. Inventing a beloved first child that died before they were born can also have the same effect. (You might try this out even if you *do* have more than one child. Its fun if nothing else.)
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?u=cricket
1. Children love reward/punishment systems. Ive implemented what I like to call Favorite Child of the Month. To be the Favorite Child (which comes with many perks such as three meals a day and adequate sleep), they compete in several areas and work together (though sibling rivalry is important, cooperation is crucial to their development) to decide on a Scapegoat of the month who we blame for all our misfortune and shortcomings.
2. People are always talking about how important stability is. Stability, schmability, thats what I say. When do you work harder? When you are walking across the smooth sidewalk or when youre walking across a dock with holes in it that moves everytime water shifts beneath it? Personally, I want kids who are willing to work for what they get in life. Throw obstacles in their way every chance you get.
If you dont do your homework, you arent eating dinner. Now. If you want to do your homework, youll need a pencil. Your pencil is hidden somewhere in that pile of feces and syringes. You have thirteen seconds. GO!
3. Knowing that you cant *really * depend on anyone is important. It teaches you to be independent and stand on your own two feet. Because of this, I like to do things like go out to check the mail and wait an hour or so before coming back.
Im not cruel or anything and I dont want them to hurt themselves, so usually I will stand outside and listen to them coming to the realization that maybe they will have to make themselves dinner.
4. Teach your child that they will need to nurture others. If you are an alcoholic or severely depressed, this is easy to do. Because Im not, I just have to fake it. I lay in bed and slur my words. Have fun with it. Your child is learning more about how to take care of someone with each exercise.
Booooooooy! Comehelpmommyouttabed. Igottapisslikeafuckinracehorse.
5. You want them to feel good about what they do well. In addition, you want them to be ashamed of doing poorly. You can kill two birds with one stone by praising one while shaming the other(s).
Oh, Johnny. You are so obedient and good at ironing mommys clothes. Not like your sister, Sally. *glare* She always makes creases.
Sally, no one makes a gin & tonic like you do. *sneer* That no good Johnny always skimps on the booze.
6. You want your kids to be ready for anything. Life can be really unpredictable! Faking a heart attack while eating dinner will jolt them into action. They will learn to think fast and not panic when tragedy strikes. Sometimes, I even run through the house at two in the morning screaming FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!
7. With all of these startling and sometimes negative lessons, you want to give your child *some* happiness. For this, I turn to that timeless favorite, lying. Yes, Santa is real, your grandma is going to give you a unicorn for your birthday, your goldfish will never die, donuts grow on huuuge donut trees in California, and mommy can do magic with her mind!
8. In this day and age, gender is not important. In fact, gender holds people *back* from what they want. Encouraging stereotypical male behavior in your little girls and female behavior in your little boys will ensure that they dont cling to the typical gender roles that would otherwise block their path.
Some kids can be resistant to this. Make sure you let your boys know that only fags dont play with Barbies. Your girls should be aware of things like the fact that real women know how to punch and spit.
9. Kids these days have no respect for authority. This is a problem for EVERYONE. Your kids teachers, other parents, adults at the grocery store, family members...they are all rolling their eyes at your little brats. You want them to know that they shouldnt question the orders of an authority figure. You can achieve this by giving them instructions with no point and punishing disobedience the same way you would if they had slapped you in the mouth.
Everytime Mommy says -marshmallow-, you quack like ducks and hop on one foot.
Today is opposite day. All you can say is -opposite-.
Go comb your eyebrows.
10. Many of these tips rely on the idea that your child has siblings. If this is not the case, substitute with the pet or television character of your choice. Inventing a beloved first child that died before they were born can also have the same effect. (You might try this out even if you *do* have more than one child. Its fun if nothing else.)
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?u=cricket
26 February 2008 @ 05:48 pm
I. Letting Him/Her Know Youre Interested. There are certain body language clues you can give him/her to let them know that you totally want to do it. I suggest you try some combination of the following.
A. Winking. A subtle wink can say a lot. When done correctly it says Im fun, Im flirty, and I want to rip off your clothes with my teeth. Its a risky move, though, because if you do it wrong it can either say Im a huge dork and we are sharing a secret or Im too drunk to wink and Im just mashing my eyelids together while jerking my head to the side. So, proceed with caution.
B. Change in breathing and drawing attention to your mouth. Again. Careful. No one wants to sleep with someone who is panting while licking all around their lips every few seconds. Well, some people do. But odds are, you dont want to sleep with them.
C. Touching. This is the most daring, because its harder to work into conversation casually. Touching them anywhere, if they are waiting for a sign, will tip them off, but going for the knee/thigh is the best bet for getting your point across. Dont clutch or squeeze or knead. You just want to lightly brush or trail your finger.
D. Crickets signature move. I cant wink, and have little patience, so I skip all that stuff. If you dont fear rejection, you can just skip straight to this. Take them by the hand and drag them down the hall to your bedroom. You can even announce, if you want , We are about to have sex.
II. Foreplay. This is always my favorite bit. This is also the part that sets the tone for the rest, so you want to make sure that you let them know what kind of lover you are and what kind of lover you need. That doesnt mean you pull out your clipboard or show them the powerpoint you worked up (although...*shakes head*). You should let your behaviour show them what you want.
A. Talking. You want to use your voice to let them know when they are or arent doing things correctly. Shame them into action by saying in an exasperated voice God, could you touch me so I can actually feel it? or offer them gentle instruction in a flat, matter-of-fact voice. In order to reach climax, I need you to place your hand approximately a quarter inch to the right. Precision is important.
Another great tip as far as talking dirty goes is to make up wild fantasies you would never actually participate in just to get him aroused. Using bizarre and sleazy porn scenes will show that you have imagination and you know what he likes. I want you to bring home that girl, Erica, from sales, and have her fuck me in the ass while I suck off a donkey will surely get his motor running.
B. Oral sex. Ive read enough bad advice on this that I dont really feel comfortable saying that I have the key. But I will anyway. Mainly just that licking is nice and all, but nothing beats sucking on a girls clit like your life depends on it. Skip all the other crap, even if she protests and squirms to try to get away...sometimes they cant handle the ecstasy! In fact, if they dont squirm and say STOP, youre probably doing something wrong. Im not including any tips for women in this section, because everyone knows a mans sexual desires dont really matter.
III. SSSSEEEEEEXXXX. Everyone is all revved up, the clothes are off, and the main event is about to begin. Here are some of my favorite tips for sexing it up.
A. Movement. Ladies, Men love to be in control. And you dont want them to think that you are trying to challenge him in that. We dont want a power struggle in the bedroom, so follow my helpful advice and dont move. At all. Just lay there. Eye contact can also be seen as a challenge to his dominance, so you should stare at the ceiling the entire time.
B. Noise. Since you arent moving, you need to do something, right? I suggest you let him know that his efforts are appreciated with ear-stabbing, brain-peircing screams. Moaning lets them know youre feeling alright, but a scream says YOU ARE A SEX GOD. Just keep screaming until he stops. He will be so aroused, this might not last long. *winkety wink wink*
C. Facial expressions. Who would have thunk that the face had so much to do with sex? Well, he looks to you for reassurance that he is doing something right. You want to smile like it is the business of no other person aside from yourself. Grin so wide it is painful and hard to hold. When he isnt pleasing you, scowl. Nothing gets the point across like looking up and seeing the person you are trying to pleasure scowling at the ceiling.
IV. Conception. As Im sure all you women are primarily having sex so that you can carry a child like the good lord intended, what happens next is the most important part. First of all, you dont want him to be unaware of your intentions, so you want to tell him just before climax what you want him to do. Some variation of Im not on birth control! or I am going to have your baby! is a good idea.
Im a firm believer in the idea that the baby you are going to have is starting its journey as a whole soul. I mean, how else do explain the recorded voices of sperm in the intro to Look Whos Talking? So you want to shush your man afterwards if he starts saying anything inappropriate. Pat your belly affectionately and say Not in front of the baby, dear.
If you dont get pregnant, the union is not blessed by god and you should move along to the next potential father of your child as quickly as possible.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?u=cricket
A. Winking. A subtle wink can say a lot. When done correctly it says Im fun, Im flirty, and I want to rip off your clothes with my teeth. Its a risky move, though, because if you do it wrong it can either say Im a huge dork and we are sharing a secret or Im too drunk to wink and Im just mashing my eyelids together while jerking my head to the side. So, proceed with caution.
B. Change in breathing and drawing attention to your mouth. Again. Careful. No one wants to sleep with someone who is panting while licking all around their lips every few seconds. Well, some people do. But odds are, you dont want to sleep with them.
C. Touching. This is the most daring, because its harder to work into conversation casually. Touching them anywhere, if they are waiting for a sign, will tip them off, but going for the knee/thigh is the best bet for getting your point across. Dont clutch or squeeze or knead. You just want to lightly brush or trail your finger.
D. Crickets signature move. I cant wink, and have little patience, so I skip all that stuff. If you dont fear rejection, you can just skip straight to this. Take them by the hand and drag them down the hall to your bedroom. You can even announce, if you want , We are about to have sex.
II. Foreplay. This is always my favorite bit. This is also the part that sets the tone for the rest, so you want to make sure that you let them know what kind of lover you are and what kind of lover you need. That doesnt mean you pull out your clipboard or show them the powerpoint you worked up (although...*shakes head*). You should let your behaviour show them what you want.
A. Talking. You want to use your voice to let them know when they are or arent doing things correctly. Shame them into action by saying in an exasperated voice God, could you touch me so I can actually feel it? or offer them gentle instruction in a flat, matter-of-fact voice. In order to reach climax, I need you to place your hand approximately a quarter inch to the right. Precision is important.
Another great tip as far as talking dirty goes is to make up wild fantasies you would never actually participate in just to get him aroused. Using bizarre and sleazy porn scenes will show that you have imagination and you know what he likes. I want you to bring home that girl, Erica, from sales, and have her fuck me in the ass while I suck off a donkey will surely get his motor running.
B. Oral sex. Ive read enough bad advice on this that I dont really feel comfortable saying that I have the key. But I will anyway. Mainly just that licking is nice and all, but nothing beats sucking on a girls clit like your life depends on it. Skip all the other crap, even if she protests and squirms to try to get away...sometimes they cant handle the ecstasy! In fact, if they dont squirm and say STOP, youre probably doing something wrong. Im not including any tips for women in this section, because everyone knows a mans sexual desires dont really matter.
III. SSSSEEEEEEXXXX. Everyone is all revved up, the clothes are off, and the main event is about to begin. Here are some of my favorite tips for sexing it up.
A. Movement. Ladies, Men love to be in control. And you dont want them to think that you are trying to challenge him in that. We dont want a power struggle in the bedroom, so follow my helpful advice and dont move. At all. Just lay there. Eye contact can also be seen as a challenge to his dominance, so you should stare at the ceiling the entire time.
B. Noise. Since you arent moving, you need to do something, right? I suggest you let him know that his efforts are appreciated with ear-stabbing, brain-peircing screams. Moaning lets them know youre feeling alright, but a scream says YOU ARE A SEX GOD. Just keep screaming until he stops. He will be so aroused, this might not last long. *winkety wink wink*
C. Facial expressions. Who would have thunk that the face had so much to do with sex? Well, he looks to you for reassurance that he is doing something right. You want to smile like it is the business of no other person aside from yourself. Grin so wide it is painful and hard to hold. When he isnt pleasing you, scowl. Nothing gets the point across like looking up and seeing the person you are trying to pleasure scowling at the ceiling.
IV. Conception. As Im sure all you women are primarily having sex so that you can carry a child like the good lord intended, what happens next is the most important part. First of all, you dont want him to be unaware of your intentions, so you want to tell him just before climax what you want him to do. Some variation of Im not on birth control! or I am going to have your baby! is a good idea.
Im a firm believer in the idea that the baby you are going to have is starting its journey as a whole soul. I mean, how else do explain the recorded voices of sperm in the intro to Look Whos Talking? So you want to shush your man afterwards if he starts saying anything inappropriate. Pat your belly affectionately and say Not in front of the baby, dear.
If you dont get pregnant, the union is not blessed by god and you should move along to the next potential father of your child as quickly as possible.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?u=cricket
01 December 2007 @ 06:50 pm
Sick of the waiting, praying and hoping.
Sick of the cold whisper, dreams and not knowing.
Sick of the strength that it takes to keep going.
Sick because I'm losing this fight and its showing.
Unforgivable but true.
I'm alone without you.
Sick of the cold whisper, dreams and not knowing.
Sick of the strength that it takes to keep going.
Sick because I'm losing this fight and its showing.
Unforgivable but true.
I'm alone without you.
09 November 2007 @ 08:06 pm
how to save a life
one
listen
8. hold still
dad
mom
15. let it go
36. don't lie
scared of death
laugh
live in love
18. talk to someone
45. touch
breathe
22. cry
23. accept
7. forgive
i'm not good enough
fear
release
have faith
release the fear
1. love
secure
86. open up
11. remember
9. say goodbye
one
listen
8. hold still
dad
mom
15. let it go
36. don't lie
scared of death
laugh
live in love
18. talk to someone
45. touch
breathe
22. cry
23. accept
7. forgive
i'm not good enough
fear
release
have faith
release the fear
1. love
secure
86. open up
11. remember
9. say goodbye
tired